Revelation

The first part of this article was written in 1931 and the latter part is what I've completed now.

30th April, 1931
In the evening today, for some obscure reason, my room got populated with mosquitos and for a reason obscurer, they started waging wars against me. So I asked my mom to give me the Baygon Spray. While handling the spray she said
"Don't forget to wash your hands after using it"
Something hung my processor and I stood still for a moment before processes could get normal and I asked,
"WHY ?????"
She quickly replied
"Because you have to eat your dinner after that" (My mom's processor is real fast!)
It took me a lot of artificial intelligence and compuational time but I figured out she meant that the intake of the poison could be harmful. I quickly turned to the bottle which said (Yes!.. bottles also speak)
"Insect Killer"
I transferred control to my internal dictionary and figured out the meaning of insect in a giffy. (Ahh I know I'm fast. Thank you :D ). But suddenly lightning flashed with thundering sounds(like in hindi movie), camera zoomed out and I stood there, shocked, still.
Slowly tears rushed down my eyes. (Yes.. Tears rush slowly!). I was shocked. After all these years of thinking I was a man, a human, a homosapien, today life had played a joke with me by make me realize my true identity. I am no more than an insect. *cries* *cries more*

(Few Minutes later)
Uhhh! The keyboard got all wet. Anways. Life is harsh and I cannot bear such harshness so I decided on.......
(just builing up suspense)
Yes I decided on.....
(Mysterious music on)
Yes Yes Yes!!
On suicide!

I was going to kill myself using the insect killer, but suddenly, something struck me..
"If I'm gonna actually kill myself, why don't I do the things I've always wanted to before I die"

30th April, 2006
With that thought, I went out of the house and did whatever I always wanted to do.. (not to be revealed) .But when a few days passed, I though I have done everything and was ready to have the poison, I remembered one more thing. Needless to say, it was a vicious cycle and no matter what I did there was always something to be done. Today, It has been 75 years. And when I look back, I realize why I was wrong!!!

Did you know : Suicide is a criminal offence.
Well, most of us know this fact. If you commit suicide, you are entitled to 7 years in prison and 32000 rupees fine. Fine ? Talking about suicide. There are only two ways of commiting suicide,
1. Consuming Rat-poison/Insect Poison.
2. The remaining methods
Category two is paticularly boring, but today my friends, I choose to throw light on the former method.

Consuming rat poison/insect poison is an inelegant style of killing yourself. So if you're feeling suicidal, remember, this is not the way to do it! Reaching this point, I'm sure you might be wondering the reason to my assertion. Even if you aren't I'll make you read it!
Haha!

Consider this news article in a leading newspaper (thats coz I buy that newspaper),

Vargamulla Swaminathan Prithamisu was found dead in his room today with something whitish flowing out of his mouth. We had an interview with the CBI Director, Ramlal Damduja on this, "Vargamulla Swaminathan Prithamisu was found dead in his room today with something whitish flowing out of his mouth" he said. He had been watching too many saas bahu serials, too seriously and was mentally depressed, infact psychotic about the fact that Parvati had been falsely charged of murder in one of the serials. "He had been watching too many saas bahu serials, too seriously and was mentally depressed, infact psychotic about the fact that Parvati had been falsely charged of murder in one of the serials." said Damduja. Damduja was very disappointed. "I am very disappointed", He added later.

(More on saas-bahu-stuff by my friend odie)

The above article proves that it was Rat Poison that killed a person.(I have known from secret sources and experience that Vargamulla Swaminathan Prithamisu was a human).The whole problem lied in the name of the poison. Tell me, If it can kill humans why the bloody hell is it called RAT POISON!

Whatever happened, Now its okay. But in these 75 years I learned one thing.
Don't take life too seriously, 'Coz you're not gonna get out alive and thats how I lived it.

The cheetah and the Ck

I love cheetahs. There was a time when I liked cockroaches not the real living ones but paintings and drawing of cockroaches. 'Cockroachaa' was once my favorite word. But now I started like cheetahs a lot. Though I've never met one in reality (and most probably will never), I will always continue liking them for their alarcity and swiftness. Cheetahs are non-vegans but that does not mean they're 'dil ka bura', its just their diet. So here goes an istory about a cheetah and a cockroachaa.

----

There was once a cheetah and a cockroach in a jungle. Yes there ARE cockroaches in jungles also...And No your bathroom is not jungle. Anyways. So the cheetah and the cockroachaa were really good friends. The cockroach was a happy-go-lucky guy who found enough food here and there very easily, but the cheetah led a tough life. It had to work hard, run around a lot, wait in ambush, attack many times and finally prey to get some pray...Na Na... pray to get some prey. If you did not know, let me tell you that cockroaches are born hunters. Lets call the cockroachaa ck. So ck was a cool, chilled out and relaxed cockroachaa. Ck had a different strategy. He did not keep running after every small insect he intended to eat, but waiting for it to come closest and strike at the right time. Ck did not mind missing an insect or two but he was designed for least work, but when he struck, he struck hard!

Ck had been telling cheetah to do the same. Cheetah was much too apprehensive about his nutritional needs and kept chasing hard every animal it saw. So the average hunt-rate of cheetah was less, which ultimately caused cheetah to think that it was unworthy and untalented as far as hunting was concerned. When it saw other animals' paws clinging into some flesh, it got inspired but again that dirty fear, the worry, the anxiety caught hold of him, that what if he could not catch any prey even this time. Cheetah chased as ck and others saw, but with a heart beating so fast and a soul so low, it would need a miracle for cheetah to catch something to eat.

"I'm no good.." said cheetah.
"Oh no dear..." consoled ck
"I'm not a deer!! I want deer!!! " and cheetah cried..

Ck tried to condole it and said

"Hey don't worry, everything will become fine" but cheetah cried more.

Ck got infuriated and gave cheetah a reverberating chapaat and cheetah stopped crying. See the wonders of chapaat, it can make the laughing cry and the crying stop. Okay I'm a Jackie. Shut up and read on.

Then ck gave cheetah a strong look and said

"Oye Cheetah! The fear of failure is the biggest failure"

Ck had read that in a book though he himself did not understand what it meant as it was in English. But yes, cockroachaas read books too. He did not understand it but he had been wanting to showoff a bit since many days about the lines he read but could get no chance, so here his chance was.

"There are no set backs cheetah...Only lessons". Cheetah lit up a bit.

"Call them losers, who even think of giving up."

Ck went on saying some cool-sounding lines from books and all until cheetah was fully inspired and its fear had fully expired for ck had nicely conspired against the problems of the cheetah mired. From that day onwards, cheetahs life changed. It was most confident and enthusiastic about hunting now. It had the conviction that nothing would go wrong.

6 months later

Cheetah was a master as hunting. It had killed 100s of 1000s of deers, goats, zebras and even giraffes and elephants. Okay I think I said too much. I must not exaggerate. It didn't hunt goats. Sorry. But all I wanted to say is that this cheetah was the best hunter of all times. It was famous and reputed and one fine day all the animals out of his fear, elected him as the king of jungle and he had overthrown the lions and all. As for ck, he remained his happy-go-lucky, chilled-out self and feeding like always, on small insects and stuff.

----

Shit.. I'm sorry the story was bizarre, but I'm just not able to think too much right now as my knees are beginning to hurt. So please bear with me.(You could also cheetah, cockroach, rabbit or deer with me.. That’s up to you..)

Just a...

Recently there was an email, about a departmental magazine to be out in college and they needed articles. There was a punch line though, "See that the articles are related to the department". Then X came to the rescue and give forth this and I ask could it be more related to the (Chemical Engg.) department..

**

As the engineer trod the control room floor for the last time, for one last time he(not the engineer) looked around nostalgically. He looked at the high ceiling, the long pipes, the heavy railings, the dryers, the columns and in the end, he looked at her, inanimate and old but ever beautiful and he wept. He wept for the last time for the factory he had spent his whole life in was now to be defunct just like himself and his love. The reactor was old, as old as her, the reactress, but alas, time got the better of her and took her away. Since the time they were constructed, they had been seeing each other (with their eyes), they clicked and became the best of friends and the best of lovers. Being utmost quality, extremely strong outer walls, anti-corrosive material and huge (3m diameter!), they were the state-of-the-art, the best out of their contemporaries but they had never even considered vanity as a part of their mindset. But now, there were these young, energetic and more efficient ones, though even they could not halt the factory going out of business and all could be blamed on none other than, Distillo.(The distillation column.)

He remembered the youthful days, when they had just been installed. How happy they were, together, working, reacting and producing. But this world is a water bubble, happiness bursts and sadness outbursts .Distillo was large, really gigantic and he looked wicked too. Moreover, he was inefficient and restless, would disturb the whole production with his tantrums. Abi, the absorption tower was titanic too but kind and loyal. He was their defense against the fiendish Distillo. RotoDodo, the rotary drier, equally evil was Distillo's servile follower and his messenger. Though superficially, they maintained good relations with all, it was just a means treachery and craftiness they had been imbibed with.

"I wonder why the reactor work so hard these days", said Rotododo to the reactress one day in very mysterious way, when reactor had gone for maintenance.

"Because he's a reactor with principles.. He knows its his duty to react materials and give the best conversion" defended the Reactress. Suddenly Distillo came into the scene,

"I know he's hard working. But you know what reactress?" said Distillo, and started before she could say anything

"I really like you. You're really beautiful, but more than that you're honest and kind. Let me give you this advice and I say this to you only because I wish your good.. The engineers talked of replacing one of the reactors with a new young model and by showing that he's very energy efficient, he could outrun you and not get replaced."

The reactress was moved and she moved, thinking that what if Distillo was true. What would she do? Could reactor ever have done that? But fortunately enough and unfortunately for Distillo, Abi had heard the whole conversation and had told everything to Reactor, the moment he arrived but before he could clarify matters, reactress was taken in for maintenance.

That night, reactor went to Distillo with a temper uncontrolled, but his temper and himself were quelled by their mighty blows. When reactress came back, he was not there. She heard that he had been leaking heavily due to injury caused by Distillo. Furious, she demanded a reason..

"Don't you see it reactress? His treason ? He came to shut us down, just because we told you the truth but we had to defend ourselves."

Reactress collapsed, not physically though. While reactor was away, her efficiency went down, touching the ground. She was rendered useless by the malignity of Distillo and RotoDodo and by the Reactor came back, she had been completely dismantled and had been replaced by a newer, prettier and a more efficient reactress, but this, too, was the end of Reactor's life.

He was helpless and wept all the time and all he could do to Distillo is curse him and ask the reason why he did everything he did. Distillo always ignored him, keeping busy in his tantrums and evilness, except this one time, "Tell me why do you ruin everything! Why!?", cried Reactor..

"Okay listen up buster. For once and for all, We're all here to do our work and we do it. You both were reactors, you reacted, likewise, RotoDodo dries. I have nothing against you, but I'm just doing my work. I'm just a separator. Just a separator."

And after he gave this reply, reactor never spoke anything again...

Check please...

If you'd ask me, Well, Why would anybody commit that mistake, but still, lets say by chance you asked me, That dear, what set of people would you term as the most apprehensive.. Then within a couple of microseconds I'd speak out, without any doubt, Waiters. Yes Sir! The waiters at the restaurants. (If, out of inexperience, you don't know what a waiter or a restaurant is, Click Here)

If you want to get into a black hole of a situation and turn back to ask the dreaded Me, Why ??, it wouldn't take me more than 17 nanoseconds to give you an extremely sharp reply(very sharp hai yaar!) . The reply....

I've been to restaurants many times. I mean I've been eating in restaurants since the age of about 5.. And since then I must've eaten in about, close to 5 different restaurants!! And that’s like I eat out twice a year(Talk about extravagance!). Okay, I'm being a bit Jackie* here.. So what ? Huh!

So every time (5 times!!!!), I go to a restaurant, there's like tables already setup for you with plates, forks, spoons and even napkins. And you can use the napkins for free. They also provide unused toothpicks free of cost after you've eaten. I always get along 10-15 secretly. I have a huge collection of unused toothpicks. I mean its really grand.

Then they also have stuff for you to read.. There's this something called the Meenu card.(Those istupids pronounce it as Menu Card! How foolish!) I'm sure some Indian gal called Meenu invented that concept(We're proud'f you Meenu!!). So on the Meenu, you have thingies you could order out there. Yes!! Order! Just like the your-wish-is-my-command genie type.

There's this friend of mine. She really really really rich (ameer papa kee bigdee huvi aulaad types) and she goes to a restaurant every week. I mean, can you even imagine that !!!! So she has much more experience than me in case of restaurants and waiters... So she told me many things...

for example-

a)In restaurants, it is a tradition to say, "Cheque please" and never say "Oye! Bill laa be!" or something. It is considered bad manners.

But sometimes what she says doesn't work. The last time I went to this 'Cheeku da dhaaba' (Mind it, its a very successful restaurant!!!). And after the eating, I told the waiter..

"Cheque please".

And he said "Saar! Kya check karna hai! Sab theek hee lag raha hai"

"Ohhh... Nono!"

"Cheque! Cheque!"

"Oh saar! Payment cash hee hoga! Cheque to bounce ho jaata hai"

Then I had to resort to "Oye! Bill laa"

And he got the bill.

b) Always! Always give the waiters tips before you leave.

Okay. This is solely the reason why I call waiters the most anxious, apprehensive, ever-worried people. They always want tips. I mean don't they have any self-esteem or confidence ? Always asking for tips from others ??? And I've actually seen that!! The last time I went to a restaurant(Another very successful one I must say), after I'd eaten and paid I called the waiter and said

"Oye! I'm in IIT... Tips chaheye koi ???"

He turned away without saying anything... I guess he must've been trying for AIIMS. Though, I did as she had told me to.

I hope you got your answer. So the next time you strike a lottery or something and get a chance to go to a real restaurant, don't forget the two rules... Ahem ahem.. And stupid its not "Cheque please!".. Its "Check please".. Though I still wonder what is there to be checked!!!!

Chapaat to reservations

Don't you think 50% is just tooooooooooooo much ???

Then click here.

There's no cure for..

Once upon a time there was a contest, the Mr.Disease contest, which judged the best and the most powerful disease amonst all. Everybody had come, heartthrobs like AIDS, TB etc. Then there were different cancers; blood, lungs, skin. They all really looked nice. Not to forget Mr. Heart-Problems. There were small and mediocre ones like cold, cough, headache who had also come, although I don't think they had much chance of winning. But one thing to say, they were surely optimistic. And in the end came Mr.Old Age(budhaapa), quietly, unnoticed. In the audience were bacteria, fungi, virus and many more. They all had a great party and then the competition began.

I'm sure you might have guessed who won the competition by my style of mentioning it. Anyways, the competition consisted of a round where every contestant had to come up on the stage and say a few words in their praise. Whoa! I say modesty. So all the big ones came first and exalted their actions and narrated different stories exhibiting their mights. In the end came Mr.Old age. He was a huge, dark, ugly person. This is the story he narrated:

--
Once in a city lived a very intelligent doctor. He was respected and honored for his practice in the medical field and had his own style of tackling ailments. One day an old man, white hair, wrinkled skin, bent back came to him and said
"Doctor. I am facing a problem. Please help me out"
"What is your problem ?"
"Doctor, I cannot see very well. Everything is blurred. Please help me", said the old man.
"To diagnose a problem, we first find the root cause and then try to cure it.."
The doctor pondered for a minute and said
"As far as I think, this is due to old age and I'm sorry but we have no cure for old age."

The old man was disappointed.
"Okay doctor. My knees pain a lot, I can't even walk properly. What is the cure for this ?" said the old man.
"To diagnose a problem, we first find the root cause and then try to cure it.."
The doctor thought and said,
"As far as I think, this is due to old age and I'm sorry but we have no cure for old age."

He was even more disappointed this time..
"My digestive system has become very weak. Earlier I used to eat everything. Now I can't digest food. Can you give me some medicine?" said the old man.
"To diagnose a problem, we first find the root cause and then try to cure it.."
The old man was getting irritated by this dialogue but the doctor wasn't....
Again he said,
"As far as I think, this is due to old age and I'm sorry but we have no cure for old age."

Now the old man was really vexed.
"Okay doctor my head feels heavy all the time. How can this be dealt with ?"
He feared the doctor would say his favourite lines again and it came true
"To diagnose a problem, we first find the root cause and then try to cure it.."
The old man was getting red....
"As far as I think, this is due to old age and I'm sorry but we have no cure for old age."

"Shut up! You stupid ass!" said the old man..
"Who calls you a doctor ? You know nothing and have no cure for anything. You are a useless person and everybody says he is a good doctor. They are all fools. Get lost, I don't need your medicines..."
Suddenly the doctor interrupted,
"Ohhh! You have become so irritable and cranky. This certainly is due to old age and I'm sorry but we have no cure for old age."
--

There was a huge applaud in the whole auditorium. So now everybody knows who won. If sensory interactions happen to be all the source of pleasure, then wait until Mr.Old age gets hold of you and slowly, gradually devours your senses. And remember there's no cure for it.

Namuno wala tag..

Namuno wala tag.

* Taken a picture naked? I've left the 'show' ;) business now.

* Made out with a member of the same sex? Arre.. you dare ask me vaaheeyaat sawaals. No!

* Made out with a member of the opposite sex?? Well.. Umm... If I must be honest then... Umm.... No...

* Danced in front of your mirror? No. If would've ever seen myself dancing, I would've never danced after that. Hence. No.

* Told a lie? No!!!!!!!! Never!!!!!!!

* Gotten in a car with people you just met? No. But met with people who just got in a car.

* Been in a fist fight? I used to be a professional boxer at school. Wanna try ?

* Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? I was never sure of the whole situation. I never can be. So I stopped having feelings.

* Been arrested? Yo! I'm an escaped convict. Was in for mass murder.

* Left your house without telling your parents? Neva!

* Ditched school to do something more fun? Slept.

* Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Just slept. Nothing else.

* Seen someone die? I killed a machchar once. :(

* Kissed a picture? Chhee chee..

* Slept in until 3? Not 3. I was trying to make a record. But I woke up at 2:59:59!! Damn!

* Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Do it everyday. My jhuggi is top-open.

* Played dress up? What ze hell is that ?

* Fallen asleep at work/school? Neva! Neva! Neva!

* Felt an earthquake? Once. I was a bachcha. But I thought it was a 'man ka vehem' and closed my eyes to sleep.

* Touched a snake? Touched ???? Talk about eating! Ullmlmllmlmlml.... Scrumptious!!

* Ran a red light? Haha. Do it all the time! (Though I don't run past it, but drive past it!!)

* Had detention? Oye! Chubbai!

* Been in a car accident? Na.. Otherwise I would've been a very serious character in ICU or sumtn.

* Pole danced? He did ? I thought poles were mostly stationary.

* Been lost? Neva!

* Sang karaoke? Neva Neva Neva!

* Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Haha. 503 times!

* Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Uhhhh... Cheeee... No!!!!!

* Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Snow ??? Eeee ka howat hai... ham dekha nahi hu kabhi!

* Kissed in the rain? Rain vain chhor.. Kiss hee nahi kari!

* Sang in the shower? Time hota hai shower mein yeh sab nautanki karne ka ????

* Got your tongue stuck to a pole? Neva!

* Ever gone to school partially naked? For god sake. Yeh tharkipana chhor de!

* Sat on a roof top? 503 times!

* Played chicken? 'Played with chiken' you wanna ask ?

* Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Pool was empty.

* Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? Ohhhh ... They keep coming everyday.. Every single day.

* Broken a bone? Na re na na! (not even 50 50)

* Mooned/flashed someone? Na bhai!

* Forgotten someone's name? 503 times.. Then I say
"oye Hritik idhar aa!"

* Slept naked? Bloody hell.. Kya karu nanga so ke ???????????

* Blacked out from drinking? Me is a coffeetotaller.

* Played a prank on someone? Hahahahaahaa. Atleast 1006 times!!! Beware!! Muhhahahaha
For example -> This

* Felt like killing someone? Naaaa....

* Made a parent cry? Ha ha. Don't ask.

* Cried over someone? Neva.

* Had sex more than 5 times in one day? Ohhh!! My current record is 4.8773472 approx. Shit. Just missed!

* Had/Have a dog? ? Na.. So I made a friend my dog, Odie.

* Been in a band? Shaadi band ???? Pa pa pa pa ???

* Drank 25 sodas in a day….aka POP? Do it everyday.

* Shot a gun? Why would someone shoot a gun for god sake ? We're supposed to shoot objects or people with a gun. (My rate -> Rs.5000/ murder. No bargaining)

Hufff.... I'm tired... No... I'm mani...
No tired... No.. Mani
Damn!

Whateva!

Pin Drop Sailance

We get to know that obvious things are obvious only after it is obvious that they were obvious. Recursion Glorified.

There may be pin drop silence here now... But beware... Mr.X shall strike again with full splendor. (Not the bike dumbo!)