Mai ab normal hu !

Shanti Devi was 72. She was 72 and alone. She was 72, alone and disowned for now, to her kids, she was just a blind pack of bones and skin who served no purpose. The destitute lady moved slowly with her waking stick unaware of her surroundings. Her eyes had left her long ago and now, everyone she had.... or maybe she never had them. Not knowing where to go, she thought death was her only home so she decided to walk slowly until death devoured her itself.

There are times when the normal Ze Exaggeratorr is not is his normal Chapaating moods. There are those times, when he does not want to pun or exaggerate or sound funny. When he cannot resist being that quiet and sensitive creep and when he cannot resist penning down the most sombre stuff. Now, I confess, is not one of those times! Okay, now stop panicking... and read.

There was a lot of noise she was just a stanger to it. She heard some sirens too but unconcerned she walked. Then suddenly, she heard an uproar and a blaring horn coming close. She never cared that she was in the middle of a road, where was to pass the president's cavalcade speeding around 100 kmph. But Bhanu Prasad cared! His valor pushed him forward out of the crowd to be held by the hand by a policeman. He pushed the policeman and ran forward towards the old lady as fast as he possibly could and pushed her aside just before the braking limo touched her and instead got hit by the speedy car and died there and then.

The light lady got a push so hard, she flew onto the footpath and rolled over to the next street on the downsloped road. The policeman he had pushed lost his balance, tripped and fell head first into an open manhole. The car in the procession braked so hard, it toppled over, took two or three overturns and crashed into the public which had been stopped by the policemen. The rest of the cars crashed into first car and the whole cavalcade was obliterated by an explosion which resulted from the combustion of the leaking fuel from one of the cars. All of the people, including the president died. The people who were left alive to witness the explosion ran with all their might, resulting in a stampede and killing many more. Yasaf ali, a suicide was also killed in the stampede but the burdensome weight of people's legs could not be endured by the bomb.

In a matter of 20.275(approx) seconds, all that was left, was Shanti Devi, bleeding from the head, unaware of what happened and continued to walk on, slowly, in agony and now, pain.

Hence I say, mai ab normal hu.
Kya aap abnormal ho ?

Tag... Tag pe Tag... Tag pe Tag.. Insaaf kab milega Milordd ?

As soon as I start reading a friend's blog, my heart start beating. Yes, my heart is really violent. So it starts beating. I mean it was always beating even before but now its does even harder.

What man! You didn't even ask Why ? Damn you. I'll still tell you. :P. The reason being tagophobia. People tend to tag around quite mercilessly. If the post I'm reading is a tag, then I start to get out of control so I reach to the bottom first to check if my name is there in the victims list. The bad news. I've been tagged. The badder news. I've been tagged twice. There's no baddest news. And also, its not badder and baddest but worse and worst you dumbo! Forgiving you we move head. Oh! I must warn you... don't actually move ahead Mr.Bean. You might actually end up with your head in your monitor and then your monitor will stop working. Then how will you read the rest of the post ?

Think before you act.

[[Shuks!.. I can never become a bollywood star. :( ]]

Mr.Hopeless Anuj has tagged me in the most wicked manner. The have two write 8 bloody points about my perfect lover. (The 'bloody' part is optional though). While most people would have problem in coming out with one solution for this problem, I boast of having 2 solutions. So sit back and relax, while you read '8 points about my perfect lover'

Solution 1:

. ::::. ::::.

. My Perfect Lover .
. ::::.::::: .

How does it look ? Ha ?
Neat na ?


Solution 2:
Necessary Condition: It should be a bandi/girl/female/ladki/senorita/chhokri/etc/etc . Any one of the following. (But not more than one states permitted)

8 auxillary conditions:
a. She should be just like me or better than me (Difficult case). But she should.. I mean.. Absolutely HATE crime. Like, you should always have some usools in life. Right ? She should have many of them.
b. She must be able to endure me, my jokes, my moods and my odd enough nature. (Not the trees plants waali nature stupid! Nature as in my nature.. Get it ?Huff!)
c. I hate dictators. Thats why Mussolini and I could never be good friends... You get the point.. don't you ?
d. She must have a sense of humor. A bad one rather and a sharp one. So that I don't keep cracking jokes in the air for no one to understand.
e. She should not believe in formality just like I don't.
f. She should hate what I hate. I mean she should hate lying. (Not lying on the bed! You dim wit)
g. Did I mention she should love me? I mean absolutely senti on me ? I mean bent upon. I mean mad about me or something ? Did I meantion that ? Uhh No ??? What a phool I am. (Filavar wala phool you fool)
h. She could be beautiful. (Damn! I'm putting this as the last point and that too as optional. What a hypocrite I am)

[[What a redundant list. Shame on me :( ]]
[[Hey!!!! But you cannot say that. You must appreciate! ]]


Mr.Vikram has tagged me too. More wickedly that too. This is a dangerous tag. There's these words and I have to use these bloody words once only and make a story out of them.
I, me, blow job, grapes, random, power, loneliness, water, robot and blue.

My wonderful dimaag has come up with 2 unique solutions for this problem also!

Let me now start.
Solution 1: I love my robot. It is blue in color and runs on solar power. It does not need food or water. It can even serve me grapes while playing random songs at the same time. It is the besy way to kill my lonliness. The only thing it cannot do for me is give me a blowjob.

Solution 2:
Ramu kaka was 16 when all this happened. His name was still Ramu Kaka. That is because he kept on babbling random stuff like crows. Hence named KaKa. One fine day, Ramu kaka was having a bath. Did I forget to mention that Kaka had long hair. Really long. So while bathing his hair got soaked with water. But Ramu was scared of nothing. Why should he even be ? Where did scared come in here ??? Now read on!

Ramu came out of the shower wearing nothing but a small blue towel(you know where) and wet hair. He has feeling very cold as he had a wet head. So as soon as he plugged the device in, the power went off. Ramu was in a state of disgruntled confusion. Why could he have done while no one was at home. Not even electricity. Even his robot's battery had finished. But next to his house, lived an old lady. She was rich and alone. She even had an inverter at home. So Ramu decided to go to her house.

Ramu jumped the terrace of his house onto the next one in the same condition. He knocked the terrace door. The old lady opened the door while with some yellow colored grapes. Ramu was a confident and a straight-foward boy and said to the lady,
"There's no electricity at home and my hair's wet. Can you give me a blowjob ? Please ?"
Ramu had heard of this word many times and used it where he thought if fit best. Ramu had done nothing wrong. Afterall, with no electricity at home, how could he have operated the hair-dryer ?

The lady looked at him in surprise.
"You look really young but you're one naughty boy." and winked at him. Ramu could not understand what she said but he was happy she agreed. She took him inside.
"Why don't you remove that towel now ?"
"Why should I remove the towel ?"
Ramu suspected something was wrong. This lady had cracked up living with her lonliness. Her intentions did not seem good. As she drew near, Ramu kaka wondered what to do. The lady was now out of control and pulled his towel off out of excitement. Ramu scream, shrieked and ran. He ran with all his might, up to the terrace and back into his home.

The lady was arrested for molestation of kids.
---

I am a kind and a compassionate person. I do not tag noone. Anyone who wants to do it is welcome.
[[Sheesh! What a cliched line nowadays]]

Dant-ist

You realize something's wrong only when you start to feel it. Before that, its there but you're not bothered or maybe you don't even know.

To tell you the truth, I have always been full of cavities. The biggest one on the top floor and not to mention the numerous ones in my mouth. The reason ? I love chocolates. I love them infinitely and I am extremely possessive about them. Hence in life, I have an usool. 'I do NOT share my chocolate.. I may buy you a new one.. But not share!'. My friends call it an excuse while deep in my heart I know it is an usool, a rule. Some have tried to blackmail me or bribe me but the reply they get is "I break it for one, I break it for all". And I do NOT break usools. Anyways. This chocolatey business has caused me a lot of cavities. The biggest one is intrinsic though.

I was always scared of water-canals and root-canals until the day I had one(root-canal). I was not afraid of root-canals anymore because I realized that drilling hurts atleast 10.38321 approx times more than it. So the root canal I had in about 4-5 sittings or rathers lyings (on that flat chair), its filling started to erode. And after about a year, that bloody tooth of mine won't let me eat chocolates. So I must find a new reliable dentist. Oh.. I am still afraid of water canals. Don't ask why.

I did. I found a fat elephant type dentist close to my home. (Btw, how many thin elephants have you seen ?). Not digressing, he was a brilliant guy. Err... I mean he still is a guy(maybe), but I doubt his brilliance. He performed root-canal on the same tooth, in one bloody sitting with some new laser technology and bloody hell, one year passed by like an arrow and again, that bloody tooth starts with its bloody bickering. Not only that, the fat elephant's wife, who is also a denstist, performed a cutting operation for some reason I could never fathom, on the same tooth to leave my gums bleeding. But due to my kindheartedness, I could not help but forgive the female elephant though.

But now what ? Find another bloody fat or thin dentist and get another root-canal! No ways! What my friend patti suggests is to go and fight with him and tell him to 'repair' the unrepaired tooth. But how can I do that ? How can I trust him again ? And arguing with a DENTIST and then letting him operate on me!!!! Nightmare!!!!

So I have decided to expel it this time, if Mr.Imperial-Tooth is not able to endure the royal company of my royal teeth instead of wasting 2000-3000 bucks, with which I could buy so many more chocolates!! Wow!!

Come to think of it, I wonder why it is so difficult for policewala guys to get the answer of the question-
'Bata saale! Bata tu kiske liye kaam karta hai'
'Nahiii ! Marr jaaunga! But apna moo nahi kholunga.. ' (Moo off kar ke kaise bola, I don't know)
Then the spotlight on the head and the 3rd degree. Is all that required ?
If I were a policewala, I'd never beat a criminal up, infact take him for a dental checkup and then I would see, woh apna mooh kaise nahi kholta.

Sazaa

Hey doston, jo tum mazaak udaa rahe they, to lo iski original kahaani sun lo, Lion form mein. (lion = sher anpad!)

Chapaat jo mera naam pada hai, haye is duniya mein zulum bada hai,
zaalimo kee jo fauj khadi hai, chai peeyoge ? thand badi hai.

Ek din kee tum baat sunoji, Din nahi thaa raat thee wo ji,
Lions ka ab mood hua hai, Lo suno fir , arz kiya hai.

Lion jo pasand na aaye, to mera to kuch naa jaaye,
mainay konsaa karz liya hai ? par lo sun lo, arz kiya hai.

Chapaat tha koi ek bechaara, tha woh to wella no. one,
wella hota to to theek, par tha woh hee akela no. one.

Ek chapaati kee khoj mein, ghoomta tha woh,
galeeyon mein, bazaar mein, kaha kaha na dhoondhta tha woh.

Chapaati ke bin, uska jeeven, bada, feekaa sa tha,
Kya kahu, jaise bin make-up kee, rekhaa sa thaa.

Jaise bin shakkar kay sharbat saa thaa,
Jaise bin barfo kay parbat saa thaa.

Fir jab ek chapaati ne, jeevan mein uske kadam rakkha,
duniya badal gayi thee uski, aisa usko laga dhakka.

Chapaat usse chahta thaa bahut, par himmat naa jutaa paya,
love story kee starting huvi tab, jab chapaati ko bhi chapaat bhaaya.

Chapaati ne aakar chapaat ko, apne pyaar ka izhaar kar diya,
chapaat kaa mooh to khulaa nahi, is khushi ne aisa uspe, vaar kar diya.

Chapaat kaa jo jeevan thaa, woh pyaar rang se bhar gaya,
zaraa dekho bhai logo, yeh chota sa ILU, kya kya kar gaya.

Ab dekho kaise usko, chapaati, yaaro mil gayee,
Aisa huva, jaise devdas ko uski paaro mil gayee.

Sote jaagte chapaati aur chapaati hee yaad aati thee,
chapaati ke rangeen yaad, uske dil mein rang bhar jaati thee.

Chapaat thaa gareeb saa, par ladka thaa mehnatee aur sincere,
lekin chapaati se to sacha pyaar, tha kiya usne dear.

Mehnat se khoon paseena ek kar ke, usne kaafi money jamaa kiya,
'Chapaati' restaurant start kar ke, aur bhi kaafi money kamaa liya.

Chapaati kee to neeyat ab, bigad see gayee,
dhoke se sign kara kar woh, nikal hee gayee.

Chapaat ne to pyaar kiya tha, chapaati ab bhi thee use pyaari,
chapaati ko ek shabd na bola, sop dee amaanat saari kee saari.

Chapaat ab aaya road pe, toote dil ke saath,
na chapaati na tha paise, bache bas do haath.

Chapaat jee ne haar na maanee, mehnat mazdoori se rozi kamaayee apni,
kudrat ka bhi khel to dekho, chapaati ko bhool dikh aayee apni.

Maafi woh kis mooh se maange, sharam kee maare mar rahee thee,
par maafi kee use zaroorat na thi, chapaat se kyu woh darr rahee thee ?

Sharam aur is darr ke maare, chapaati ne apna haath tha kaata,
Paisa mila par bin chapaati, yeh bechaare chapaat kee gaathaa.

Dukhti rago par haath jo rakha, to is chapaat ko yaad woh aayee,
Chapaati ko koi kuch na kehna, abhi bhi is heart ko yaad woh aayee.

Must Mast Movies

There are 100's of movies that are realeased in a year. Kuch aisa hee khel 2005 mein huva. I am listing some of the movies which were released in 2005 but no one has heard of them. This list was originally made by Ms. Happening and e-mailed to me. The expert comments shown are given by her, though I have added and edited some.

Hence. Pado and Ash karo.

Some of the movies in 2005.
7 ½ Phere :::: Waah! kya accuracy hai re!
99.9 Fm :::: Jhooth! woh to 99.89991 tha! Badaa ke bolte ho!
Aashiq Banaya Aapne::: Oh badiya banaya yaar!
Ab Tumhari Bari ::::chalo Den Do!!
Amu :::::bole To Atomic Mass Unit????
Angoor ::::green Ya Black?
Anjane—unknown :::: Correct!! Ekdum Unknown!!
Bf—bad Friend ::::classification Of Frnds!! waah!
Bhagmati—the Queen Of Fortunes :::: Haan haan! bhaag mati bhaag.... bhaag Gayi!!
Bhog Ras :::mandir Mein Langar???
Billi The Wild Cat :::::kutta The Wild Doggy?? Me The Wild Human??:-p
Bold ::::pencil Ki Ad?
Bullet—ek Dhamaka :::dhamaaka??? to phir bomb se kya hogaa??
C U At 9 ::: No No Make It 10…9 Baje Kbc Dekhna Hai!!
Chand Bujh Gaya ::: Good Morning!!
Chand Sa Roshan Chehra ::: Aur Uspe Daag!!!
Charitraheen(naari Ki Vyatha) :: No Comments!
Chehraa :::mere Paas Bhi Hai!
Darwaza Bandh Rakho :::theatre Ke Darwaaze Bhi??
Dhamkee- The Extortion :::: Dhamkaane Par Bhi Movie Dekhne Nahi Aayenge!!
Double Cross—ek Dhoka ::: Dhokha???movie Hit Ho Gayi??
Dreams—sapnay Sach Honge ::: Magar Filim Hit Nahi Hogi!!
Ek Alag Mausam :::Discovery Yaar!!
Ek Hi Bhool :::picture dekhne ki!!
Ek Pal Pyar Ka ::: Baaki Dushmani Ke!!
Family—ties Of Blood ::: and Shirts of tissue!
Garam :::chaii Ka Ad!!
Garam Masala ::: Pau bhaji wala! only everest!
Garma Garam :: Phir Se ?? Chai Coffee??
Gehrai ::: Samajh Nahi Aayi!!
Gumnaam :: Arre! Naam To Rakh Lete!
Har Raat Naya Saudagar ::: Badi flourishing firm lagti hai.
Hot Mashooka—a Dangerous Lover ::::fridge Mein Rakh!!
Hum Tum Aur Mom ::kabaab Mein Haddi!!
Husn—love & Betrayal ::: Main Kahaan Hoon ??? Kon hu mai ???
Jahan Jaiyega Hume Paiyega::: Bachaao!!! aisi Movies Se Bachaao!!
Jalwa—fun In Love ::: halwa-fun In Thand!!
Jism Farosh :::esp.4 Media Personalities!
Kal :::: Arre! Kal Kabhi Nahi Aata!!
Kamjori—the Weakness :: Kuch Lete Kyon Nahi??
Karavaas—the Punishment::::movie Hai Ya Dictionary?
Kasak ::: wo Koun?
Kaya Taran :: Koi Apetiser Hai Kya??
Khamosh... Khauff Ki Raat ::: Mummyl!!aunty Daraa Rahi Hai!!
Kiska Hai Intezar ::: Release Kaa!!!
Laila—a Mystery ::: Sachhi! mystery!!
Madhu Ki Baatein ::: Koi To Sun Lo!!
Mahiya—call Of Love::: Bhaiya-call Of Bro!
Main Cabaretwali ::: Theatre Kaise Aaun??
Mashooka:: Maa Shoe Khaa?? Chhee Chhee
Mastaani.. Lost In A Crowd :::: lost?? achha hai!! acha hai!!
Matrubhoomi ::jai Hind!
Mazaa Mazaa ::: Nahi nahi pepsi pepsi!!
Meri Aashiqui ::: to mai kya Karoon??
Missed Call ::Kanjoos Ki Katha!!
Model—the Beauty ::: Dhakkan-the Frooty!!
Mr 100%—the Real Player :: Software Programmer!
Mumbai Express :::Kripya Dhyaan Dijiye..zzzzzzzzz
Munnibai B.a. B.com ::::Arrey Itni Badi Ho Gayi Munni??
Naam Gum Jaayega ::: Haan haan gum Gaya!
Naari Ek Khilona ::: Papa! mujhe bhi ek le do na!
Pati Ho To Aisa ::: Nirma Ki Ad Hai???
Qatal-e-aam ::: Murder Ka Bhai?
Ram Balram Aur Ramkali:: Shyam Ghanshyam Aur Chhipkali!!
Revati :: Koun Hai Bhai?
Saathi—the Companions :::Haathi The Chimpanion!!
Sab Kuch Hai Kuch Bhi Nahin :::waah kya irony hai !
Sau Jhooth Ek Sach :::Nice Movie..jhooth Ya Sach?
Sauda—the Deal ::: Mubaarak ho!
Shaadi No.1 Arre adam eve kee movie hai kya ?
Shaukeen :: Paan Paraag!!
Shobha Yatra ::: Ting Ting!
Shwet—white Rainbow ::: Dispersion Kaha gayee re ?
Sunsaan Mahal ::: Koun Jaayega Dekhne?
Tezaab—the Acid Of Love ::: Arre! Iska Chem Formula Kya Hai??
The Film :: Baaki Sab Soaps hain ?
Time Pass Topless :::: Kya Soch Ke Film Banaayi??
Umar :: The Age!!
Waqt—the Race Against Time Nahi nahi! time the race against waqt hona chaheye!
White Noise :: Colours Of Noise???
Wife Hai To Life Hai ::: Based Of Atal Beharis Life!!
Yeh Hai High Society ::: Itni High Ki Hum Log Nahi Dekh Sakte!!
Yehi Hai Zindagi :::: Yahi Sun Na Baaki Tha!!
Zameer—the Fire Within ::: Arre fire bridage bulao bhai koi!

Champa to sad gayee re

The previous post was the 100th chapaat. So this will be... um.. umm.... yes 100 + 3.863 - 2.861 - .002 = 101 th chapaat. (Don't ask questions about my calculation!).

I was very happy after writing 100 chapaats. I thought
'Now I'll change chapaat. Comments style, page template, sidebar! Chun chun ke change karunga! chun chun ke'
But I'm a lazy bum. Well, I also could not find a very nice template also. Hence you have the 101 post old chapaat in front of you dear. Please try to enjoy *with an innocent teeth-showing grin*.

Regarding this post. There's this champa. She's called champa and she had very been tagged by the tag-mafia. She was very upset so I tried to console her. And bhalaaee ka to zamaana hee nahi, she got into the tag-mafia and tagged me. I, being the rebel I am, revolted and said that I shall complete your tag later. And suddenly I got a sandesh which made it clear
"Champa to sad gayee re!"
(Sad here to be pronounced as sudd which means rotten)

Hence, to unsad her, I must complete this tag. Here it comes...

--------
It was a beautiful sunny deol morning. When I was sitting outside my mansion in the park. Some stupid TV guys with 10-15 cameras and 100's of mics came to me for an interview.

"Sir sir! Please sir! Only one interview sir! please sir!"
So I allowed them. Lo Suno ab....

A - Age you got your first kiss:
I feel it was about 0.0038776298 yrs(approx). The nurse was, though I must not say but, fida on my manly outcry.

B - Band listening to right now:
Arre! Mera khud ka band baja huva hai! Kisi aur ka band kyu sununga! Huh! Ridiculous question!

C - Crush:
Crushed Ice! And in that kala khatta and khus flavor. Hahahaha. Just mazaaking.
If you try to ask me about me crush, I will say
"Arre! Itne hain kee pata nahi kitne hain!"

D- Drink of Choice:
How dare you ask me such a personal question!!!?? But now that you've asked its okay. Apple juice is my favourite closely followed by ThumsUp. (Bade ho jao bachche!)

E - Easiest person:
What the hell ? Yeh kaisa vaheeyaat sawaal puch daala! Person easy aur difficult kaise ho sakta hai ? But still, if you'd demand an answer I'd say Odie. (Mera dog nahi hai, friend hai)

F - Favorite band at the moment:
Abe kya band band laga rakha hai! Ek baar ask again kar, and tera band na baja diya to mera naam bhi... (Oh shit mera naam kya thaaa!!)

G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?
Beg you pardon.

H- Holiday:
My favourite holiday is sitting at home.. Relaxing... Haaaaaaaaa Basssss!!!!!!!
*sigh of relief*

I - Instruments:
a.I played the guitar. There is a season for everything in my life. Once there was a guitar season when I used to do nothing else except guitar. Now its eating dust.
b.I can use all the intruments in the elec. labs and computer labs pretty well. I have been publically honored for using the Cathode Ray Oscilliscope in the best ever manner.

J - Juice:
Arre! Ek baar mein samajh nahi aata kya ? Bola na .. Appil. Dobaara mat poochnaa!
I wonder how they get dumb interviewers like you! Huh!

K-Kids:
Arre... Abhi to meri shaadi bhi nahi huvi! I know some of you could argue that marrige is a necessary condition for kids. But yaar... kuch to sharam rakho!

L - Longest car ride ever:
Delhi to Srinagar. (Haan ji! Kashmir wala). I was there when the kargil war started. We rushed back. :D

M - Major:
Arre! Major exams to may mein honge. Why take tension now!
Okay, trying to answer this Q in a sober manner, Kam Akal. Oh I mean.. Chemical.
No we're not taught how to make bombs or dynamite. Chemical engg. is a misnomer. Its mostly physics!

N - Nicknames:
Monkey, Ghanta. These're very ephemeral names I get once in a while I don't know why but I spoil everyone's names. No one spoils mine. :p to everybody!

O - One wish:
To have no wishes. Yaar.. Toone to yeh Q pooch ke serious kar diya re!

P - Phobia[s]:
Kutta[s]!

Q - Quote:
"..... and you thought what happened was not good!! Ha Ha "

R - Reason to smile:
Be in pain or be it pleasure,
Smile always, its your leisure.
Here I remeber a post once made by a friend called Phoenix.
She said
"Smile. What come may"
I say,
"Smile. What come may. But only smile."


S - Song you sang last:
I never sing in public. Never. Cause I don't want to be called a public-murderer. I sing alone sometimes. As far as I remember (my memory has 20 days limit though), the song I sang last was Sutta!
"Toi toi sutta! Sutta na milaaaaa...a.a.a.a.aaaaaaa"

T - Time you woke up [today]:
Aaj to holiday. Hence at 11.

U - Unknown fact about me:
The unknown fact for the day is "There're many unknown facts about me."

V - Vegetable you hate:
Gheeya, tori, karele...

W - Worst habit(s):
Battameeeeeeeeez! Teri yeh majaal!

X-rays you've had:
Once when I wa pretty young. Oh I mean I was very young and was poisoned. (I am not pretty damn it!). For More details, click here.


Y - Yummy food:
I've become bored of eating. Bloody its been almost 20 yrs. I eat everyday. It become so mundane and boring. I think I'm gonna take a break.

Z - Zodiac sign:
Aquarius.


Bas ! I think thats enough for the day.
"Gaurd.. In bewakoof interwoo waalo ko bahar nikaalo"
*they were thrown out*

----------

Sen Choori (Abe anpad, Century)

There are many who can speak french.

But there are many who can't.
And Im surely one of the many.

Funny are the people who can speak it.

They'r also funny who can't.
Still I think, that Im not funny.

Sense, it seems, is difficult to find,
So sense the sense in this my friend
I know, for you, its a tough one honey.
To tell the truth, I dont think there's any.

(Doesn't make sense ? Look out for the deeeeep meaning after reading the rest)

______

Recently, I have been busy. But what was I doing ? Nothing. College started and I have been busy. I had no time at all to do my regular stuff like blogging, chatting and black magic. Okay, at this point let me ask you a question.
Yes. A question.

Faint voice from ze audience: Abe saala post to likhta nahi question poochne lag gaya.
*Me ignores the voice*

So the question is, if you don't have any time and there's a quiz coming up, what job should you take ?? Nahi samajh aaya ? Read it again. If you still haven't understood it, its okay. Anyone who reads this blog is not expected to. Let me tell you the answer.

Every quiz has a buzzer round. And as the saying goes
"Har kaamyaab buzzer round ke peche, ek timekeeper ka haath hota hai"
Thats exactly the answer. Take up the job of a timekeeper. Then imagine, how much time you'll get to keep!

So there was this All India and All China GK quiz some days ago and they desperately needed a time keeper. I opted for it. But as soon as the round was about to start, I realized I was baywatch. Oh I mean I had no watch but I suddenly noticed that the quiz-master was a watchman (ie he was wearing a watch). So I kind of borrowed his watch without telling him as the cleanliness of my hand is great.(haath kee safayee).




One of the questions in the quiz was, to identify the hasti (personality) in the given pic. Seeing this, I remembered something and suddenly grabbed the mic from the quiz masters hand (again by cleanliness of hand) and said,






Apun: Eee dekho, haq babua ko. Eee senchooriwa maar ke, kitna happy hu. Hum bhi happy hone chaheye hu naa ?

Voice from the audience: "But Sir, I fail to reckon that, which seems to be the reason for your current elated state. If you could only expatiate the matter, I'd be grateful."

Apun: Abe oye chamgaadarrwa kee poonchwa, how dare you utter such a ridiculous question from your lowly mouth.

I have chapaated a 100 chapaats. And suddenly all of them applauded for me for about 4.2653 approx mins.

(Yes! I was in China!)

Voice from the audience: woa woa, sha, caan yu geev zee choeepaaa addrea ? Aa geev zee feva choepaa ?
(Translated: Wow! Sir, can you give us the address to your chapaating blog and tell us your favourite chapaat ?)

So this was the list of my fav. chapaats with their ranks.... And I am still waiting for their feedback.

Chapaating Chapaats

10.The Kind bag (See the kindness of the bag!)

9. Sabzi Mandi (Toms visit to the mandi)

8. Me wonders (Sometimes)

7. My stay at egypt( In max detail !!)

6. Bf Gf Kahanaanees (Both get chapaats)

5. Thank You (Yes yes you!)

4. (R/T)agging ho gayee re!

3. FAQs

2. KBC Dveeteeya (The easy way)

1. Modern Art (Ah! What an art!)



Serious Chapaats


7. Somethings don't need a title (A comparison)

6. Bloody Born Losers (No comment)

5. The line (Small story)

4. In Life... (A small huge thought)

3. Title-thinkers block (A 'love'ly dilemma)

2. Friends are for free (They acutually are!)

1. If you talk ... (Small poyum)



Thats for the 100th post. Seeya next time, same place, same PC. Till then, take care.
(I wish I had a bat to raise like haq!
Alas, a sparrow, for me, would to do!)

Yeh Chapaat Chapaat kya hota hai ?

Chapaat

Millions of people, till date have asked me, "Oye! What does this chapaat mean??"
Okay! Close your mouth now, I'm only kidding. Only about 4.3623 (approx) people have asked me. So as sit back, close your eyes and relax as you read the answer to the mind-gobbling.. oh I mean mind-boggling question posed to me.

History:
(Suggestion: Just try to imagine what you are read to get a prettier effect)
(The above suggestion was just a suggestion)
I was about 3.44 yrs old and I was supposed to drink my milk. Not my milk I mean cow/'bhans' milk. My mummy wanted me to become big and strong like hercules so she gave me complan in milk. "Yuss! Im a complan boy". But later I started giving her many complans about complain so we shifted to bournvita, boost, milo, EnergyG (local brand) and what not. Now I drink complan again by the way. So when I was about 3.44 yrs old, as my mummy keeps telling me, I was a patethic chap. I used to spill it everyday. Every single day I used to spill it on the carpet and my mom said "Beta! Carpet bada ho jayega, tu chhota reh jayega". As if I was bothered. What mummy did not understand was that who wanted to be 'bada' and strong. Mujhe konsa girlfriend pataani thee us time. And obviously carpet bada ho gaya to mehengaa hee hoga na!!! One fine day, I very normally, by mistake pushed the glass on the carpet hoping it would enlarge for the better when my dad came into the scene. Then there was a sound, heard far far away, heard y the chirping birds, heard by the barking dogs, heard by the swishing trees and heard by everything else that was left(and right too). Do you know what that sound was ??? It was 'Chapaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt'. Later, the carpet died of malnourishment.

I was in class 3.3342. Ma'am had given us atleast 2 pages of homework to do. I remember how we used to write C.W. for class work and H.W. for homework. So these 2 pages of H.W. had to be done really urgent. As expected, I did not complete the H.W. very nicely. Infact I did not do it at all. Later, I was standing with two other guys(no not cows) in a line with our respective heads facing the ground(not the playground dumbo! zameen!!) as the teacher walked with her oscillating leather belt and said,
"Arre O! Kitne pagewa they"
"5 page sarkaar...errr.. madam"
"Aur tum ????"
"Hum teeno akele they madam"
"Tum teen akele aur woh do page!!! Bahooooot nainsaafi hai!"
Then she laughed. The other two creeps fell at her feet and cried
"Humein maaf kar do! Please! Hum gunhegaar hai! Maaaaa!!!!!"
And suddenly, teacher's mamta woke up and tears started to crawl out of her buttony eyes,
"Kya kya! Kya kaha tumne! Maaaaaa!! Mujhe aaj tak Maa kisi ne nahi bulaaya! Jao mere bacho... Tumhe maaf kiya"
The teacher was single and had no kids. By the way this was all planned by those two guys. Kya planning thee baap!
So, I being the only prey left... Suddenly the teacher said
"Kyu nahi kiya homework!!!" (she couldn't speak english na!)
"I am sorry ma'am.. I forgot.. I mean I bhool gaya" (I spoke only english.. Ahem ahem)
"Oh bhool gaya!! Khaana khaana bhoolte ho kabhi ???", she outcried in her outrageous voice.
"Seldom but yes.", I said in an amazing australian accent.
Ma'am couldn't understand what I said and again there was a reverberating sound all over... Class 1 guys heard it, class 2 guys heard it, princi heard it and rest did too. Do you know what that sound was ???? It was 'Chapaaaaaaaaaatttttttt'. Later, her mamta woke up again as I fell at her feet and said "Maaaaa mujhe maaf kar do".

I was in the cricket field. I was the pioneer batsmen in our colony and an exemplary bowler. So this one day, I was batting and showed my stupendous skills to the cheering girls. I raised an eyebrow everytime they cheered indicative of extreme confidence and as an acknowledgement of my famous reputation. The dead-tired bowler kept on bowling as he could not get me out and I kept on shooting the ball in all directions that existed. Then came this bouncer, but hooking it off my chest was childs play. But from somewhere out of the thin air, I don't know where, an old uncle placed himself in the trajectory of the ball. What was to happen is clear. Uncle hit the ball very hard and ceased the travelling-towards-the-bounry-with-all-its-might ball's motion. Skipping the middle portion, I shall tell you, there was again an echoing sound heard by the pitch, by the fielders and bowler, by the wickets and all such stuff. Do you know what that sound was ???? It was 'Chapaaaaaaatttttttt'. Later, I declared my innings over
No one could bowl me out.

Lesson:
There were about 503 more incidents like this. But lets try to learn from these 3. Okay, first of all, do you find something common in the three ?? Exactly! Chapaaat! So as life keeps giving us chapaats from to time, physical or virtual, Chapaat is the place where you can get to know or get yourself a chapaat.. And all this! For free!
So time you hear someone asking "Arre bhai! Yeh chapaat kis chidiya ka naam hai ??", open your hand wide and give him a perfect chapaat and speak out in amitabh bachpan style
"Yeh! Haan Haan Yeh! hai chapaat! Samjha!!! Haeen ??? "

General Stuff:
Obviously enough, chapaat v2.0 was not always v2.0. Earlier only Chapaat existed but I had deleted it by mistake through the settings page. Chapaat v1.0 had a completely different style and chapaat has changed a LOT. That is why I keep posting the old stuff sometimes. Though seldom.

There are many types of chapaats.
1.General Chapaat -> The very general chapaat we get out of our lives or keep giving people. They could be phyical or virtual.. Though the physical ones make a really nice sound. Try it our sometimes. Suppose A gives a chapaat to B, let us note the sound schemes...
A:"yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!" (try to gather force)
At contact, "Chapaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttt" (A must not forget the follow-through for a perfect sound)
B:"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!" (Out of pain)
(Invented by nature)

2. Shabaashi Chapaat -> When a chapaat is necessary but you want to appreciate someone. (Thanks to dudreja, the discoverer) (Mostly given on the back... )

3.Affection Chapaat -> When you want to express affection but still want to convey your emotions using a chapaat. Kiss your hand and with the same hand give a general chapaat to the person. The best type of chapaat. (Thanks to me)

4.Healing chapaat, Acidic chapaat, and a million other types of chapaats which are being invented everyday by people like Sunrays.
__



There are people like Sayesha and Raddy (and maybe more) who have started call me chapaat.
"Oye chapaat! Kya haal hai tera ??"
There are people who read every chapaat (wow!) and people who haven't read even one. When I first entered the world of blogging I was called "Havami". Then I changed it to "Red Colored Green Monster". Then "Ze Chapaater". Then "Ze Exaggeratorr". But sorry to say, Ze Exaggeratorr kee to vaat lag chuki hai. Someone calls me Ze Exagg or maybe Ze Ex or Ze but some lethargic souls drop down to the level of calling me 'Z'. Waaah!

This was my 99th chapaat. Keep your eyes, ears, nose and mouth open for the century. (Dekha I told you na I was an awesome batsman!)

P.S. The stories were 99.3876387 (approx) % pure fiction and any resemblance with anyone living, dying or dead is coincidental. (Maybe)